There have been countless video game weapons that have come across my screen over the years. Some are exactly the type of weapon I could see myself using to save the world, but others… Let's just say, they aren’t my style. Still, I’m willing to give anything a try once, but even with my best shot, there are still plenty of weapons I could never use.
I’m not the weakest gamer around, but there are tons of weapons I’d just never be able to wield. I can admit that I’m not the strongest, but it’s harder to admit that some weapons might just be embarrassing to charge into combat with. Although, I probably couldn’t even figure out nunchucks if I had all the time in the world.
10 Dubstep Gun – Saints Row 4
Sure, the Dubstep Gun looks like it might be a bit unwieldy, but the biggest issue is in the name, Dubstep. That genre of bouncy music may have had its day a few years ago, and it may still be a favorite of some, but I can only handle so many tasty drops before the genre gets a bit stale.
Knowing I’d be subjecting my enemies to a Skrillex-fuelled end just isn’t something I could bring myself to do. Rather than picking up the Dubstep Gun for a bit of Saints Row-style licensed music chaos, I’d rather dro-dro-dro-dro-drop the bass – I mean, drop the gun.
9 Railgun – Resident Evil 3 Remake
One thing that we can all agree on is the fact that Jill Valentine is one of the best and occasionally cheesiest female heroes in video games. She manages to overcome the odds every time she’s on-screen and often does so in a dramatic fashion.
Seeing Jill muscle up that railgun in the climax of Resident Evil 3 Remake is something that reminds me just how easily she could kick my butt. I like to exercise, but there’s no way I could lift that bad boy up and fire it without getting sent clean across the room from the recoil.
8 Keyblade – Kingdom Hearts
The thing about the Keyblade is that, as far as weapons go, it's kinda dorky. It’s the perfect weapon for someone like Sora, but seeing the average action hero run into a fight with a giant key is probably something that would have most villains on the floor laughing their butts off.
I’m sure learning to use an actual sword is already difficult enough, imagine trying to learn key combat. With my ability to somehow catch my clothes on doorknobs, there’s no way I’d be able to prevent the jagged part of the keyblade from getting caught on literally everything in sight.
7 The Blades Of Chaos – God Of War
This one should be fairly obvious. I’m not a big-brained scientist or physics master, but I just don’t think any normal person could get The Blades Of Chaos to actually work. Even if I had the strength of Kratos, let’s be honest, who’s coordinated enough to pull that off?
Keeping the blades in hand makes their use simple, but when you start bringing in the chains things get complicated, fast. I’d like to toss it out like Scorpion only to bring it back too fast, something that would likely only end in my pitiful demise.
6 Kung Lao’s Hat – Mortal Kombat
Whoever decided Kung Lao needed to have some of Mortal Kombat’s most brutal moves with a hat of all things might just be a genius. With that said, I don’t actually know how Kung Lao’s hat even works.
Does it require super-human strength? Is the edge just really really sharp in general? What is the hat made of? There are just too many questions, and the overall brutal nature of the weapon would keep me from ever using it. I’ve seen those fatalities, and all I have to say is no thank you.
5 Buster Sword – Final Fantasy 7
Seeing how the buster sword is essentially just a huge hunk of metal, I’d have more than a few issues trying to use it. I could try as hard as humanly possible to look as cool as one of my childhood heroes, but I’d throw out my back sooner than I’d be able to call myself a soldier.
Considering people have actually made real buster swords out of very real metal and it’s taken multiple people to just barely lift them, I really don’t like my odds. Everyone else could charge into battle, while I’d be in the back just trying to pick up the sword off the ground.
4 Kazooie – Banjo-Kazooie
As someone who’s had pets their entire life, I just don’t think I would be comfortable using Kazooie as a kind of makeshift weapon. Whether forcing it to lash out with its beak or grabbing it to use as a kind of bird-gun, I’d just feel dirty the whole time.
Maybe my mind would change if I were stuck with no other options to combat a grumpy witch, but I have a feeling using Kazooie would end up with me getting a whole host of angry letters from animal rights activists.
3 The Vampire Killer – Castlevania
While the concept of using a whip doesn’t sound all that complicated on the surface, things get a bit trickier when that whip is made of metal. Anyone who’s lifted a lengthy and sizable metal chain will know just how unrealistic it would be to use a metal whip.
I suppose I might be able to instinctively break out some kind of unknown strength if I were faced with beings like skeletons, Dracula, and the literal embodiment of Death, but one good swing isn’t gonna cut it against some of those foes. Chains and whips may excite some, but the Vampire Killer just isn’t for me.
2 Boomer Bile – Left 4 Dead
There are a lot of ways to combat the zombie hordes and I think most people have at least some kind of rudimentary zombie survival plan in the back of their minds. However, I would guess that those same people don’t ever include bile in their plans.
The idea of using Left 4 Dead's Boomer Bile as a kind of tactical weapon to keep zombies away and swipe at each other in a horde sounds nice, but it’s also gross. I couldn’t imagine tossing bile at someone in order to see them meet a chompy end, so I’ll stick to my planned-out zombie survival tactics instead.
1 The Blue Shell – Mario Kart
Why could I never use Mario Kart's most dastardly weapon, the blue shell? Because I am a decent person. I would never, ever want to ruin someone's day as much as a blue shell does anytime it is used. Someone is living their best life, about to win a tournament, and then boom. It’s all over.
I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to someone. You get out there, you win that race. If I’m in last place I’ll just hug that shell and know someone else is thriving. There’s always next time, right? Besides, a blue shell might be the most devastating weapon of all time.
Editors Note: Cameron is clearly a much better person than I am, I'd blue shell anyone in a heartbeat.
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