If Anything Happens To Lechonk I Will Hurt You All

The new Pokemon Scarlet & Violet trailer just revealed a bunch of new details, including (deep breath now): the new Legendaries, the new Professors (smoking hot and also time travellers, by the way), a new co-op mode, non-linear storytelling, and a release date. Click all of those links to get the boring stuff out of the way, and then head back here for the good stuff: Lechonk. All you need to know about the upcoming launch of Gen 9 is that Lechonk will soon be in your life. If any harm comes to Lechonk I will slay you all until I have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

We have some pig Pokemon already, but here's the thing – I hate them all so I'm going to act like we don't. Tepig? Fine, but like pretty much every Fire starter it gets worse as it evolves. Spoink is an ugly little grey blob with a massive pimple on its head, and Grumpig is covered in warts. I'm not even going to dignify Munna with a response here, and while Swinub is clearly swine-inspired, it quickly becomes a woolly mammoth. You could count tapirs as pigs, but that would only give me Drowzee, so… no. I don't think I will. That means, ignoring all of the terrible ones, we have no pig Pokemon. None at least until Lechonk comes wee wee wee all the way home.

Lechonk is beautiful, perfect, and cuddly. However, I'm still a little worried about it. Pokemon has a habit of providing us with cute and lovely Pokemon and then evolving them into something gross and vulgar. You don't even need to move away from pigs for it to happen – it's the reason I won't count Tepig as a great little piggy. Lechonk has watery eyes, which make it look positively adorable, but they could quickly become sunken, weeping, deathly black orbs as Lechonk grows into a full chonker, or the trademark drips could stop being cute spouts from its nose and become viscous discharge from its snout. Yeah, I know. I hate to think about it too. But sometimes Pokemon giveth and Pokemon taketh away.

It also feels like we haven't seen much of what Scarlet & Violet's aesthetic will be yet. We've seen other other little cuties, but all of these, like Lechonk, are clearly the beginning stage of an evolutionary chain. Aside from the two Legendaries – which always look over-designed compared to the regular 'mons of a region – we don't have the sense of any full-grown Pokemon yet, so it's difficult to guess what Lechonk could evolve into. Is this how parents feel when they hope their children never grow up? Is it out of fear that they become gross gelatinous creatures with sunken eyes and dripping noses?

Still, the signs are positive for Pokemon Scarlet & Violet. All three of the starters garnered positive reception when they were last revealed, and that trend has continued with Lechonk and a handful of the other newbies the most recent trailer wrought. Pokemon Scarlet & Violet has a stack of interesting new features, gimmicks, and potential storylines, but I'd be lying if I said Lechonk wasn't one of the main reasons I'm all aboard the hype train.

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