The video game review of 2030 – Reader's Feature

A reader offers a tongue in check review of 2030’s video game scene and imagines that disappointingly little will have changed…

While it wasn’t quite on the scale of an E.T. inspired video game crash, the collective failures throughout 2030 means it’s going to take something out of this world for the gaming industry to fully recover next year.

First up, in a 12-month spell to forget, was the 10th anniversary remaster of Cyberpunk 2077, which was almost as calamitous as the original launch a decade ago.

It may have fixed some of the game’s original problems, but it also introduced many more, most notably the hilarious stand-in for Keanu Reeves.

Mr Reeves didn’t want to have anything to do with the remaster and neither did his replacement, it seems, with the actor’s face discombobulating in true Night City fashion in virtually every scene.

Meanwhile, the Grand Theft Auto franchise fared even worse with yet another anniversary of the original trilogy coming out at full price.

Many of Vice City’s original radio stations were ‘cancelled’ after much of its content caused outrage, fake or otherwise, on social media, and were mistakenly replaced by lengthy audio logs of Rockstar staff learning how to implement third person combat.

At least Nintendo were much more predictable, in the Nintendo sense that is. The launch of their latest expansion pack for the Switch 3, which promised a selection of GameCube games, went as badly as expected.

Launch titles included Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure, Sonic Riders, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (no sign of the first one of course), and Super Monkey Ball. Not the original 2002 title though as it was inexplicably switched for the 2021 re-release. That’s the one with all the imprecise controls and added Joy-Con drift thrown in for good measure.

Apparently an insider blamed Sega for this, but why it’s happened is anyone’s guess. Just like the Joy-Con fiasco, Nintendo seem to be exempt from any regulator scrutiny, so if you want a half-hearted service which promises a GameCube title every three years then it’ll set you back £280 annually.

When approached for comment, Nintendo said these claims were an absolute disgrace, and confirmed that a GameCube game would be coming every five years.

Another commercial failure was Hideo Kojima’s newest title, sci-fi boreathon Scalped, which had you playing as an internet scalper searching for their soul after being buried by 5,000 high in demand console/chicken warmer hybrids.

The irony is that the fictional games featured inside Scalped were far more interesting.

Elsewhere, Sony’s Kickstarter for an Uncharted revival met its target in 12 seconds, with backers promised an exclusive skin for Sully’s mobility scooter, while Dark Souls: Trillionth Death Edition was just far too much of a good thing.

But one positive to come out of 2030 was the widespread dislike for boring open world games. After finally realising they are essentially an unpaid full-time job, that sees you tediously clearing up hundreds of little icons on an overblown map, most have shunned them. Now, many titles, including the long-running Far Cry series, are commonly used as part of community service.

With hardly any original titles, 2030 was dominated by remasters, reboots, remakes of reboots, and reboots of remakes.

Still, at least 2030 was much better than the early 2020s…

By reader David

The reader’s feature does not necessary represent the views of GameCentral or Metro.

You can submit your own 500 to 600-word reader feature at any time, which if used will be published in the next appropriate weekend slot. As always, email [email protected] and follow us on Twitter.

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